Happy New Year!

Seems like everyone's writing a paragraph about what they've learned in 2010 and what they vow to do in 2011. To be honest, I could probably count the things I've learned with one hand. Let's see...

1. Everyone will disappoint you at some point. Accept this fact and when it happens, brush if off and move along.
2. Don't have expectations and you may be pleasantly surprised. If that isn't the case, however, you feel and lose nothing.
3. I was a reckless, selfish, and stupid teenager. I can see that so much better now that I've somehow become a vulnerable, cautious, responsible young adult. I fit perfectly and shamelessly into the stereotype. I was no different from anyone else. 90% of college students are exactly the same and I've suddenly lost the desire to be a part of the epidemic.
4. Our economy sucks.

Grown-Up Christmas List

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies

Well I'm all grown-up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown-up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven surely knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal a hurting human soul

What is this illusion called
The innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief
Can we ever find the truth

Pause

I hate that every conversation I have with any friend of mine these days is about lack of direction and fear of the future. But I guess this is just the stage we're all going through and I can't fight the inevitable, right? I hate people that know exactly what they want to do. Not because of jealousy.. though a part of it is. I hate them because I can't believe they already settled on what they want to do for THE REST OF THEIR FREAKIN' LIFE! I'm so afraid. My closest friends know this but don't know how scared I really am because I never show the full extent of my fear. I don't want to. I don't even want to admit it to myself. But I'm here now and I'm here to confess: I am deathly afraid of growing up. I don't want to let my childhood go. I broke up with my boyfriend several times because when I was with him, I felt like I was growing up too fast. He talked about marriage and the kind of lifestyle we'd have. He even talked about what he would name our first-born son! During our break-ups I would tell him I need to find myself and develop the person I was destined to become, alone. But if I'm going to be honest with myself and everybody, I'm starting to realize that I broke up with him all those times because I wanted to retreat to the past. I wanted to go back to hanging out, partying with friends every week, and even being sad over boys. If I had a time machine, I truly would live my teenage years over and over until I'm sick of living. I don't want to grow up. I know everyone always talks about how there's so much to live for and so much more out there to see, but I don't want to see it. Not now at least... Life, slow down for me.

Me: Hey I have a question.. If you go to Costco, what happens?
Friend: I could get arrested for trespassing.
Me: Haha damn ic. I was just curious xD
Friend: Lol well they probably can't recognize me but I don't wanna risk it you know?
Me: Lol yeah.. Is it all Costcos or just that one?
Friend: Every Costco in the world. Even in India lol.


AHAHAHAHA I love this girl.

Friendship

I miss the feeling of getting to know someone and quickly falling deeper and deeper into the connection that's obvious to everyone around you. I want to feel inseparable from another human being, and I'm not talking about infatuation or romance.

Baby,

I just thought you should know that you're the only one who never lets me down.

Me: How's studying for finals goin?
Friend: I'm reading but all I want to do is sleep -____- you?
Me: I feel you! I took a nap right after you texted me cuz I finally put lucas to sleep and when he left I wanted to go back to sleep but yeahh I shouldn't... I just finished a term paper. Gotta start on another 10 page now.
Friend: I just don't have it in me. Gahhhh.
Me: Fuck our lives.

Since I can't talk to you anymore,

I'll post all the things I'd like to say to you at any moment here...

You're right, I do love you. I hope you always know that no matter how cocky it makes you seem. At least if you know that I love you still you'll actually think that what we had was real and it will make you hate me less. You're probably still out playing ball right now.. I'm going to bed early so I can wake up early to study for my quiz and play with Lucas. Please stay warm and get home safe. Goodnight<3


If I survive tomorrow without you, it will only get easier from there on out.

Dirty Little Secret

I would like to sleep with a virgin at some point in my life.