Pause

I hate that every conversation I have with any friend of mine these days is about lack of direction and fear of the future. But I guess this is just the stage we're all going through and I can't fight the inevitable, right? I hate people that know exactly what they want to do. Not because of jealousy.. though a part of it is. I hate them because I can't believe they already settled on what they want to do for THE REST OF THEIR FREAKIN' LIFE! I'm so afraid. My closest friends know this but don't know how scared I really am because I never show the full extent of my fear. I don't want to. I don't even want to admit it to myself. But I'm here now and I'm here to confess: I am deathly afraid of growing up. I don't want to let my childhood go. I broke up with my boyfriend several times because when I was with him, I felt like I was growing up too fast. He talked about marriage and the kind of lifestyle we'd have. He even talked about what he would name our first-born son! During our break-ups I would tell him I need to find myself and develop the person I was destined to become, alone. But if I'm going to be honest with myself and everybody, I'm starting to realize that I broke up with him all those times because I wanted to retreat to the past. I wanted to go back to hanging out, partying with friends every week, and even being sad over boys. If I had a time machine, I truly would live my teenage years over and over until I'm sick of living. I don't want to grow up. I know everyone always talks about how there's so much to live for and so much more out there to see, but I don't want to see it. Not now at least... Life, slow down for me.