Happy New Year!

Seems like everyone's writing a paragraph about what they've learned in 2010 and what they vow to do in 2011. To be honest, I could probably count the things I've learned with one hand. Let's see...

1. Everyone will disappoint you at some point. Accept this fact and when it happens, brush if off and move along.
2. Don't have expectations and you may be pleasantly surprised. If that isn't the case, however, you feel and lose nothing.
3. I was a reckless, selfish, and stupid teenager. I can see that so much better now that I've somehow become a vulnerable, cautious, responsible young adult. I fit perfectly and shamelessly into the stereotype. I was no different from anyone else. 90% of college students are exactly the same and I've suddenly lost the desire to be a part of the epidemic.
4. Our economy sucks.

Grown-Up Christmas List

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies

Well I'm all grown-up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown-up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven surely knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal a hurting human soul

What is this illusion called
The innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief
Can we ever find the truth

Pause

I hate that every conversation I have with any friend of mine these days is about lack of direction and fear of the future. But I guess this is just the stage we're all going through and I can't fight the inevitable, right? I hate people that know exactly what they want to do. Not because of jealousy.. though a part of it is. I hate them because I can't believe they already settled on what they want to do for THE REST OF THEIR FREAKIN' LIFE! I'm so afraid. My closest friends know this but don't know how scared I really am because I never show the full extent of my fear. I don't want to. I don't even want to admit it to myself. But I'm here now and I'm here to confess: I am deathly afraid of growing up. I don't want to let my childhood go. I broke up with my boyfriend several times because when I was with him, I felt like I was growing up too fast. He talked about marriage and the kind of lifestyle we'd have. He even talked about what he would name our first-born son! During our break-ups I would tell him I need to find myself and develop the person I was destined to become, alone. But if I'm going to be honest with myself and everybody, I'm starting to realize that I broke up with him all those times because I wanted to retreat to the past. I wanted to go back to hanging out, partying with friends every week, and even being sad over boys. If I had a time machine, I truly would live my teenage years over and over until I'm sick of living. I don't want to grow up. I know everyone always talks about how there's so much to live for and so much more out there to see, but I don't want to see it. Not now at least... Life, slow down for me.

Me: Hey I have a question.. If you go to Costco, what happens?
Friend: I could get arrested for trespassing.
Me: Haha damn ic. I was just curious xD
Friend: Lol well they probably can't recognize me but I don't wanna risk it you know?
Me: Lol yeah.. Is it all Costcos or just that one?
Friend: Every Costco in the world. Even in India lol.


AHAHAHAHA I love this girl.

Friendship

I miss the feeling of getting to know someone and quickly falling deeper and deeper into the connection that's obvious to everyone around you. I want to feel inseparable from another human being, and I'm not talking about infatuation or romance.

Baby,

I just thought you should know that you're the only one who never lets me down.

Me: How's studying for finals goin?
Friend: I'm reading but all I want to do is sleep -____- you?
Me: I feel you! I took a nap right after you texted me cuz I finally put lucas to sleep and when he left I wanted to go back to sleep but yeahh I shouldn't... I just finished a term paper. Gotta start on another 10 page now.
Friend: I just don't have it in me. Gahhhh.
Me: Fuck our lives.

Since I can't talk to you anymore,

I'll post all the things I'd like to say to you at any moment here...

You're right, I do love you. I hope you always know that no matter how cocky it makes you seem. At least if you know that I love you still you'll actually think that what we had was real and it will make you hate me less. You're probably still out playing ball right now.. I'm going to bed early so I can wake up early to study for my quiz and play with Lucas. Please stay warm and get home safe. Goodnight<3


If I survive tomorrow without you, it will only get easier from there on out.

Dirty Little Secret

I would like to sleep with a virgin at some point in my life.

There's a problem with breaking up with somebody simply because you want to be alone if you still love him with all your heart. I want to call him every other minute to see if he's okay.. if he's tired or hungry, or cuz I don't want him to hurt too much.

I want

something new. I want to make new friends, not acquaintances. I want to do something everyday that I've never done before. I want to feel the thrill of doing something I know I shouldn't. I want to smile at strangers and feel perfectly safe when they come over to talk to me. I want to dance till I can't dance anymore. I want to look forward to the weekends the way I used to. I want to feel young again.

I love you.

I don't know where life is gonna take me. I don't mean to sound cliche or cheesy, but I mean it when I say that it doesn't matter as long as we're together.

Ha

A little over a year ago I could have related to this so much.

You’re not my life, but you’re the one I want to spend it with. You’re not my world, but you’re the best thing in it.

I'm just going to type whatever comes to my head. Sorry if it doesn't make sense at times.

Is a chapter of my life coming to a close or am I still in the middle of it, or is it just beginning? We don't really know when a significant change of scene truly occurred until we look at our lives in retrospect. I understand that in many ways life is the same. The people I know are exactly the same, doing the same things they used to do when I knew them best. It is truly our decisions and outlook about the things that happen to us that matter most. Things may seem out of our control but we must recognize that everything is driven by our choices. We choose who to surround ourselves with, how to spend our free time, what we find pleasure in.. and all these things determine maybe not the person we are, but definitely the person we will become.

Monday Rain

Today didn't turn out to be such a good day.. Or yesterday, I should say. Today is Monday and a brand new day! I don't think I ever said 'day' so many times consecutively. Anyway, I was about to give up on studying and go to sleep but I got a sudden surge of energy which is all for the better cuz I really need to study, and when I'm alone awake at this odd time of the day I'm more aware of myself than usual. Kind of hard to explain but I guess I don't have to cuz I have no idea who reads this shit, if anybody. Goodnight!

Can we stay like this forever?

After I arrived in my garage today and shut off the engine, I sat in my car for no more then 10 seconds to wonder at my life. Even fairytales can't be this good.. I have the most loving and supportive family. We got hit hard by this fucked up economy, but we're still standing and as happy as ever. I go to a good school and get good grades. I have true friends, which I honestly doubt most people can say. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me more than I thought human beings were capable. Oh, and I have a job.. which definitely seems like a fairytale to most of us in this day and age. It pays minimum and I only get 4 hour shifts 4 days a week, but they feed me and my bank account which is plenty to be thankful for.

I hope things stay gold.

All You Need

I'm at the computer lab killing time before my next class.. Food and drinks aren't allowed but I've been munching and sipping nonstop for the entire hour I've been here.

Every day is a constant struggle for direction. I feel like I would actually get somewhere if I made up my mind about a destination, but everytime I do I change my mind the next day. All I know is that I want my life to be full of love and happiness. Success doesn't mean shit to me anymore. You can keep your 24/7 on the phone, constantly on the road lifestyle. Being on a plane and going from airport to airport for 24 hours straight made me realize that is not the way life is meant to be lived. The greatest blessing God can give me is neither money nor fame. It's love.

Fuck the rest.

I love my friends.

I love my boyfriend.

And after today I will love my life again.

They say you should always do what you fear most, right?

I want to ask somebody what I should do but I know that even though I don't have a clue, there's no one better to ask than myself. I do love him and want to be with him, but I feel like life is passing me by without getting to know myself any better. Every day I spend with him I learn more and more about him, but it takes time away from others and puts my own growth in 2nd place. The worst part about all this is, every time I want to stretch and use my wings I don't. Love keeps me grounded.. but what if I want to fly?

An epiphany... sorta

I was wiping down tables at work when it finally dawned on me why I lack the passion to pursue my goals. The reason is that I am CONTENT with my life. I feel no need to change it in any way. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I guess you can say it's both.

Practice makes perfect

Two things I need to (WILL) work on:
- Passion
- Confidence

I can do this! Let's get through tonight and tomorrow cuz the weekend waits for us on the other side. Sure, my eyes are half open and my back is on fire but hey, I love every aching moment of my life.

P.S. I'm the muthafuckin' boss :)

Sentence Blogs

I think most of my blogs are going to be this short from now on. Any time I'm not working or studying I should be sleeping, so that pretty much leaves no time for blogging. I'll probably deactivate my facebook soon too.. Oh the joys of school.

I love my boyfriend. That is all.

Once again, let's do this.

I think I'm finally off summer mode. I'm going to study every day and night as if I'm applying to law school.

Certainty

When I think I know the depth of your love, you surprise me all over again.

Ambition

It's back.

Ghosts

What did you do to get into her heart as so? If what you guys had was genuine, that's a cause for worry in itself. If it wasn't genuine on your part, as you claim, it worries me that you could play such games with a young girl. I don't know how to act now that I know that you "always have and always will have" her heart. What would you do if you knew the kind of hold that you have on her? Would you care and break my heart? Or laugh and break hers?

And how the hell do you always know when something's wrong? No one has ever read me so well. It's scary and infuriating when my best efforts to hide are futile.

I never meant for it to turn out this way. I was and am still so unprepared against our haunting past.

The love of money is the root of all evil.

Money was never as big an issue in my life as it is to me today. School is approaching.. I'm not only going to be struggling with all my courses as usual, but working a minimum wage job as well and commuting 30 miles to get to it. Honestly though, there is no limit to my capabilities and whatever help my family needs from me they will get. No questions asked. I've made a lot of dumb mistakes this week that lost me money but I stay optimistic and say life is a beautiful struggle.

To my man who is in over a thousand dollars of debt because of me: Every challenge we are faced with we will go through together, and I promise we will always make it out okay. Since day 1 I've known that all of you and all that was yours were at my feet. So today I say, without regret or any doubt in my mind, that what's mine is yours and anytime you reach for me I will be all that you need and more.

You call me a feminist like it's a bad thing.

I wonder if you men out there know that women play dumb so you'll be taken in by our cuteness. We know how to manipulate you into falling for us by stirring your masculine instinct to protect and provide. We know exactly how to play that game.. And idk about other women but as for myself, it makes me laugh inside when men show that they believe themselves to be smarter or wittier, when all along we were pretending so they may not feel threatened by our own intelligence. You can call it degrading but who's the fool in this game? Oh and fyi, some women don't play it at all while others don't even have to pretend. Most of us, however, are just as capable as men in completing any task if only we wanted to.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

Sometimes the things you plan the most carefully and cherish the most crumble, bringing you with them as they fall. And when they crumble it's like laughter in your face for having hope in them at all.. For thinking you could have that perfect night, that perfect job, the perfect life. Maybe you weren't even asking for perfection. Maybe you just wanted to have a good night with your friends like you used to, except this time you would have your man by your side sharing that good night with you. Maybe all you wanted was this reality only to find that it's a dream.

God's Greatest Gifts to Me

1. My life
2. My parents

Greetings from London

Jetlagged to the max.

Things to do:

• Gym
• Play with the nephew
• Set up my voicemail
• Call lady about my scholarship (where tf is that shit)
  
• Pack
• Print airline e-tickets
• Dinner with the hubby

I'm in for the ride of my life.

Life

is so damn confusing. Lol.

Failure is the mother of success.

A year ago I had one of the craziest and most unforgettable nights of my life. Tonight I had one of the quietest and most romantic. I'm thankful to have been able to experience both of these kinds of nights.

At times I think of my failures. From getting kicked out of the place that was my home for over an year to having my internship given to someone else.. I think of them, get upset, and push them away. I don't know why I think of them over and over but honestly, with these bitter thoughts comes a valuable emotion: determination. The feeling in my chest I can't ignore. It receives my pain and makes me stronger for it. It takes my failures and presents me with greater chances of success. Determination is my medicine.

My family is the cutest.

Ugh

Annoyed as shit right now. Thanks people.

Damn time is flying by. It feels like the next day I might be waking up halfway around the world.

Note to Self

If he had given a shit about you then, you would have been in this relationship for over 2 years now.. Imagine that. You would not have been able to dance, flirt with and kiss all those guys. Nor could you have attended all those parties and raves, or experienced a whole new world on your own. Be thankful that you once had a time in your life where you could do whatever the fuck you wanted without a care for anyone else in the world. You would not be the strong, independent person you are today without those years. Maybe he didn't give a shit about you then for a reason. Maybe everything was ultimately for your purpose and growth. Maybe his current role in your life came in at the right place. Don't regret anything. Forgive him. Forgive yourself. Let him love you now and give you what you always deserved.

Fuck ya'll

I feel like shit and nobody knows cuz nobody bothers to find out how I'm doing.

I Like the Way You Work It

I think I've gained quite some weight in the last couple weeks. I may be the one to blame for the most part, but it never would have happened without the help of others. I feel like everyone is on a "Get Cindy Back to Being High School Chubby" mission. Whatever, it's summertime and the living's easy. I'm gonna eat what I want, when I want and lose it all when I'm thousands of miles away from everybody in Kazakhstan. HAH! In yo face. But the thing about it is, apparently there's some pretty good restaurants in Kazakhstan.. there's also no drinking age... and no getting rid of my appetite the size of a full-grown man's.... Nah, I'm gonna work it, you'll see!

I decided to go for a minor in Psychology. Yeah, it's completely different from Political Science, but I believe they complement each other somewhat. I know it's gonna be hard but I'm gonna work that too!

A special "shout out" (lol) to Caresse Isabelle Fernandez. The one who's always been there for me when I needed her and someone I know has the potential to conquer it all. Work it, gurl.

The Happiest Place on Earth

I don't have much time to blog cuz my parents are gonna be here any moment now to swoop me off to Sam's. They want my input on the kind of snacks FIDM students would buy. I'm thinking lots of diet soda and granola bars, idk.

I went to DISNEYLAND yesterday!! It was magical. Andrew got work off for like the first time ever and we went from 10AM till 10PM. When we got to his car he surprised me with a white gold band with 5 little diamonds, engraved with the date we got together. He had it on hold with a $50 deposit at the mall for 2 months until he could save up enough money to actually purchase it. That did it for me. I'm sold to the idea that this is the real thing. I'm not naive, dear readers, so don't think that the sight of diamonds made me fall in love. It only convinced me of his love and the measures he would go to for me, to show me again. Today is our 6 months. I would have never thought in a million years that I would be here with him. I can't think of anything else to do for him except buy him the clothes he's been telling me he needs. It infuriates me sometimes how he spends money so casually on others but refuses to buy himself even the simplest things. I'm gonna go buy him those simple things before I see him tonight. It's the least I could do for the man who buys me diamonds.

Summer Days Just Sittin' Around

So, I'm gonna take a moment out of my lazy life to blog about my utter laziness... Time has flown by since finals ended, but at the same time they don't seem like they ended only 11 days ago. I see people stressing about finals or working, too busy to relax even for a minute and wonder, "Was I like that?" Perhaps this semester was simply a breeze for me. I have a lot of factors and people to thank for that. A 4.0 for the first time in my life! I celebrated with my closest friend from CSU Long Beach (who also earned a 4.0 and got on the Dean's Honor List for the first time this semester) by eating at a Mexican spot near USC. Delish.

These days I've just been wasting away.. or, that's how other people would see it. The way I see it, I'm spending my days relaxing and enjoying the simple things in life. My days consist of: waking up late, playing with my nephew, running errands for my mama, reading books I've heard about but never got to read, talking on the phone, and maaaybe going out. Oh, and eating (a lot). I'm currently eating toast with butter and orange jam (courtesy of my parents and MGM Grand of Las Vegas). I'm not sure exactly what I expected out of summer. I suppose a lot more parties and glamor at night, but my days have definitely been sweeter than I expected. My laziness is saving quite some money, which will have to go into a lot of different things. Kazakhstan is a little over a month away and I can't wait. I'm only worried about the course work but I'm sure if anyone can handle it, I can. I'm not cocky.. just confident (: My parents are also investing money into opening a little snack shop inside the FIDM building in Downtown LA. For the first time in months I prayed to God that they.. WE would do well. They really deserve a break.

I would have kept my Xanga if I could, but the stalkers and undesirable readers were getting out of hand. I somewhat regret having to abandon it because I posted a lot of meaningful blogs there, at times revealing my innermost thoughts of which I was afraid to voice aloud. I hope I can do the same here, witnessed only by the eyes of innocent readers with honorable intentions. With that, I'll end for today. Till next time!

Fresh Start

Thought it was time for a new blog. I think I'll stick to this one for a while.